Recently I was at a social gathering where some affluent friends were present. The table talk among the ladies inevitably led to discussions of how terrible the husbands and marriages were. I listened to the voices of the privileged ladies and felt somewhat bemused.
Recently I was at a social gathering where some affluent friends were present. The table talk among the ladies inevitably led to discussions of how terrible the husbands and marriages were. I listened to the voices of the privileged ladies and felt somewhat bemused.
Women in our society live vastly contrasting lives: on the one hand, there are women like my domestic aide who work at three households from early morning to late at night, shoulder the physical and economic responsibilities of their children despite having husbands who are capable of earning and supporting their families. On the other hand, there are highly privileged women who are married to affluent men, live very comfortable lives, and yet are dissatisfied and constantly complaining about everything; their husbands who fund their lifestyles, domestic aides who keep their lives organized, and life in general. Their world view is largely filtered through social media and their hours are spent in boutiques salons, parties and shopping sprees in Bangkok, Kolkata or Mumbai. If anyone of them have independent careers and incomes, they treat this income like their personal funds for spending without any obligation or responsibilities to the family.
Forgive me for the harsh indictment of the above paragraph describing women some of whom have been a part of my social circle for a large part of my life. My thoughts today are not to criticise these unfortunate (yes!) women who have probably been moulded since childhood to accept that this is normal and expected of them and to question otherwise would be dangerously revolutionary.
These privileged women rarely work at any meaningful careers; when they work they believe that their salaries are their personal funds and they are not obligated to contribute to the family’s combined income. What I find strange is that this is a phenomenon limited to the affluent segment of our society. Women from the middle and lower income classes perform in vastly different ways. As I described in the case of my domestic aide, these women share their income, time, energy, physical labour, and consider themselves blessed to have whatever they have. So, what causes this difference in behavior?
I am not a social scientist, nor do I consider myself knowledgeable about social behaviour – but I am deeply interested to understand women in social spaces.
Growing up in a family where we were brought up to believe that we were responsible for ourselves and our own decisions, I have always found it strange that any woman can abdicate responsibility for her agency, live comfortably while complaining about the life she is living (though in most cases their husbands are also a large part of this situations). Women who are provided with education, family support, funds, and opportunities and yet prefer to let their lives slide and then complain about it need to take a hard look at themselves in the mirror. The funny thing is that these privileged women believe that they are entitled to every comfort without owning the responsibilities attached to them.
There are women who are struggling to keep their families afloat regardless of their education qualifications, opportunities available and loss of personal time. A young receptionist at the Foreign Service Academy was supporting her mother and sister on her meager outsourcing salary while completing her own Master’s programme; the interesting thing is that this young woman smiles at everybody and does not complain about how unfair life is. I know so many women who are in this sort of a situation – responsible, informed, and making use of whatever opportunity that presented itself. Another not-so young woman, a cleaner at the Ministry of Foreign Affairs is struggling to support herself and her sons after her husband suddenly passed away in a sudden heart attack. She recovered from the trauma of sudden loss and focused on how to use her meager salary and limited opportunities to rebuild her life. This woman is also calm and responsible and uncomplaining of life.
Society builds walls in our minds; some walls are hard, some walls are softer. Not many of are capable of leaping over these walls. Some of us have the ability to clear the walls by ourselves, some of us can do it with the help of support systems and some of us can never do it no matter what is put under their feet. We need to create a place that cannot create these walls.
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